“I DON’T LIKE HAVING SEX AS OFTEN AS MY PARTNER”

There is no ‘right’ number of times to have sex per day, week or lifetime. Some couples are always doing it, and others may be content with once a fortnight, or even never. The only time it needs fixing is when there is conflict; someone wants more, and someone wants less.

The person who wants less is by no means ‘wrong’, or at fault, but there may be a reason behind their reluctance. Maybe it is a woman who has often experienced painful sex, and naturally feels a little less enthusiastic about it. Maybe there are some unresolved unpleasant feelings she may feel about sex; perhaps she is not fully aware of this herself. Maybe she has a fear of pregnancy. Maybe she is bored by sex which she does not feel satisfies her, and learning new techniques and variations would be more stimulating. It may not necessarily be a woman, but a man who feels less inclined, perhaps for many of the same reasons.

Often relationship problems make themselves known by masquerading as sexual problems. The underlying cause may not in fact be a matter of sexual urge, but a matter of compatibility, or dissatisfaction in a relationship.

Considering these possibilities will often help to find the major reason(s) behind the differences, but sometimes there is no obvious cause. Sometimes people just have different levels of sexual desire.

The clue to dealing with this (and most other) sexual problems is, again, communicating. If you want good sex, you need to use your mouth and your ears as well as the more conventional bits. Unless you are in a sexual relationship with a mindreader, how do you expect someone else to know how you are feeling about things, what you like and what you don’t like? It is a bit much to

expect someone else to automatically know what feels good to you. It is like presuming someone else will know where to scratch you if you are itchy. If you don’t tell them you are itchy to begin with, it is even more difficult.

It is a myth that men ‘always want it’ and women are less sexually driven. The sexual urges of men and women are generally the same, but the social conditioning we have over our lives leads us often to presume it is the man who takes the sexual initiative, and has more interest in sex.

If a couple have looked at their relationship, and communicated their feelings, and have no obvious underlying cause for the difference in sexual desire, but still notice that it is causing conflict, they may yet be able to come to a mutually satisfactory situation. If both parties’ wishes and needs are respected honestly, solutions to problems are easier to find.

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